Thursday, November 26, 2015

twinkling dark

and we're just like stars in the night sky: ever-present, yet ever-distant

Saturday, November 14, 2015


so much pain / so much darkness
yet could it be
that it is owing to all of this
- not despite all of this -
that grace is possible
that joy is possible
that love is possible?

Thursday, November 5, 2015

upwards, outwards

season of selfless loving // I'll continue to love you most fully by turning my love upwards, outwards / yes, that's how I'll love you - the deepest, purest, most giving love I can muster / is one that isn't trained on you / but first, on Him / and then, on the world so broken around us / for this is how I will best honor your deep, impossible affections / and how I hope you will honor my equally impossible ones // upwards, outwards

Thursday, October 15, 2015


There are times when I feel that all I need is just a little bit of grace—grace to not be perfect, grace to not measure up to comparisons, grace to not be enough. But then the places where grace should theoretically abound are precisely the places where grace is so hard to come by. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Music Theory 101

I had the most random but interesting conversation with a music theory classmate yesterday - we basically agreed that different types of cadences are able to accurately reflect the different stages of our lives. On one level, one could think of cadences as actual musical representations of whatever it is one is going through at any given time (imagine having a live, customized movie soundtrack appropriate to your circumstances, playing in your head throughout the day). On another arguably more interesting and dorky level, though, one could also think of cadences as metaphors for life. The perfect authentic, for instance, is life at its swellest: everything falls into place and is resolved satisfyingly, leaving nothing else to be desired. The imperfect authentic are for those times things kind of fall into place - enough for one to consider all issues resolved, though not necessarily via the best solution possible. Some things may still seem to be missing, but one can make do without those. The deceptive cadence are those times when one harbors high expectations for something, only to have these expectations dramatically dashed. In other words, perhaps, you expect a vibrant I but get a heart-rending vi instead. I think that was as far as we got, because classes started - but I did think about a bunch of other cadences that might have worked well in our conversation. The half cadence, for example, is the story of my life: typically a I or IV (or really anything other than V), followed by a V - or in other words, the state of being left hanging in the balance.

Yet whatever the cadence, a couple of great things to note are that:
i. All cadences are important. Imagine a piece of music comprising solely of perfect authentic cadences: V-I-V-I-V-I - not incredibly exciting! It's the dips and crests that make music - and life - interesting and worth plowing through. 
ii. It's perfectly fine to be in a state of deceptive-cadence or half-cadence or any other unresolved cadence. Music theory rules dictate that no matter what twists and turns a piece may make, it will always return home to I. (Unless, of course, your life is a 20th-century piece of Bartok-inspired atonal music; then that would be a different - and quite fun - story altogether!)

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Lights Out

Sitting on a ledge by a wide-open window overlooking the lawns and Butler and Lerner and Low in the twilight, having deep deep deep conversations about life and intellectual paradoxes and concerns of the heart, celebrating ten months of respective loads of shit with the fellow strugglebusser and sister: surely these - not the all-nighters, not the heavy class loads, not the suffocating deadlines - are the true Columbia days? 

Saturday, October 3, 2015

More Than

Everyday - fighting my most natural feelings and hopes and inclinations - I tell Jesus: I love You more. More than the things that make my heart radiate joy, more than the things that most tenderly capture my attention, more than the things I count dearest to me. I love You more, I love You more, I love You more - and I will rearrange my priorities, my loves, for You.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Lights in the Dark

It's on days like this - suffocatingly dark and hopeless ones - that I'm reminded that God is always, always looking out for me. It's at times like this, when I'm most prone to asking, "where are You?" - that he shows up in the most unexpected ways possible, as a reminder that he hasn't yet forgotten his child. It's at moments like this - barely a couple of hours after desperately scrawling "Jesus, I need you" in my journal - that he turns up and sends me comfort and love and a peace I've been missing this entire sophomore year. 

Thanks for setting off the fire alarm today, whoever you may be... thanks K and H for being vulnerable enough to struggle together (as always!).

Sunday, September 20, 2015

I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin

I hardly know why I've been so drawn to this song lately - maybe it's because it reminds me that everything I have to endure now is temporary; one day, I will rise when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain. All the struggles of this Earth - the heartbreak, the toil, the unfulfilled desires, everything - will be nothing, just a tiny blip against eternity, once He calls me to my true home.

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, "It is well"-

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise, I will rise...

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


Finally got around to adding and dropping all the classes that needed to be added/dropped. On one hand, it kind of feels good to know that things are more or less set in stone now, so I can actually concentrate on doing my work for each class without wondering, would all this effort even be worth it if I end up dropping this class? On the other hand, though, sometimes I look at my schedule on SSOL and resign myself to the fact that it's probably going to be an intense semester yet again. One can only hope that it's a fruitful intense semester (as was the case last spring) - not a wholly dry and mind-numbing one (as was the case last fall). At least half-ish of my classes look promising, though, so that's a plus point... for now? 

Jube is also legit on a tight schedule. But I love Jube + jubies so hopefully that turns out fine.